Faith and Entitlement

Sometimes an incident takes place that starts filling ones heart with poison. Maybe logically and factually I am not able to convince myself that I have been wronged.....

However, there is a lingering discomfort that I have not been righted either.......

There is a strong resistance to speak to the person about it directly, as putting it on the table itself is something that will defeat the purpose of putting it on the table. 

It's almost like - 

if I have to ask you for it - then I had no entitlement for it in the first place and I don't want it, as I am not looking for a handout

if am entitled for it, and I have to demand for it, then what does that do to the faith and trust I had in you?

If I am not entitled for it, and i demand for it, what does that do to the faith and trust you had in me? Or that I had in myself?

I don't demand it, and keep feeling wronged about it, irregardless of whether I am entitled to it or not, whenever I see you in the future I shall feel cheated by you

If I feel cheated, that means I don't trust you, which means why should I not demand from you, because our relationship anyways won't have any value going forward as I won't trust you?

But if there is not trust or faith, what is the point in asking as there is no reason for you to be sensitive towards me, and you will stand your ground and that will make me feel enraged even more...

Entitlement is relative after all, I may feel entitled to something, and you may disagree with my feelings of entitlement. I am looking at things from a different frame and you are looking at it from a different frame..... We are both looking from frames most convenient to each of us and are unable or unwilling to look at it from the other person's perspective

Even if we can see from the other persons perspective, we may not want to concede to it, because it's inconvenient.....

The person with the upper hand continues on his or her way feeling self-righteous and the other hangs around feeling wronged - and that is what life is

Attaining Starhood

Today when I came back from work, Karan asked me if he could borrow my phone to play some game. I generally don't allow him to use my phone and as a matter of fact informed him that it was not going to happen.

He kept asking me and I kept refusing. After many rounds of back and forth he suddenly says "Can I play with your phone after you become a star?"...as I stare at him in disbelief he continues "please leave the phone in your room when you leave to become a star so that I can find it"! ....and he was smiling

My knees suddenly felt weak when I heard him so agreeably willing to accept my phone I lieu of my death...I tried to regain my composure and replied "hopefully there is going to be a lot of time before I become a star...and you can probably get a phone for yourself much before I become one!"

His innocence triggered a feeling of emptiness and aloneness in me....also been thinking of my mortality

A thought that I have been resonating with since then is "In the journey of life the destination is the journey itself"

I need to find small ways I can appreciate and cherish and make joyful my journey....my life....

Will begin by cherishing and consuming the bar of chocolate that Smriti just gave me...

All the world is a stage

Last couple of weeks I have been feeling very strongly the lack of intimacy in my life

If I look around me, at my family, friends and even myself, I see roles being played almost mechanically and transactionaly

Most of my action choices are because I am a husband, a father, a son, a friend, a brother, and so on.....that's how I see things and justify my choices and actions

That is also how I am received.... not because of any love, affection or concern for me per say, but for the role that I am playing, for the role that I am

It's all a combination of expectations and transactions and aspirations......

Respect

As a father, I also have a strong need that he must respect me.

Respect me for being a different, more involved father (I would like to believe so), respect me for being kind and understanding towards him.

But if (I feel) he doesn't respect me, I become withdrawn and vindictive & cruel. Basically the complete opposite of what I want him to respect me for.

As if, by punishing him, I will be able to force him to be respectful for how I would have liked to be.

Cutting the chord

One of the horrifying things I am experiencing as a parent is having Karan trying to form his identity independent of me!

When he says no to something I say. I look at it as a rejection of me. It's probably more an affirmation of himself than a rejection of me, but it's very easy to not understand it most times.

I can cognitively understand what he must be going through, but I get scared as to how far is it going to lead to in the future.  It seems as if I would be most comfortable if he can understand exactly what I want and simply function accordingly, without even needing to ask me.

But I know that's never going to happen so my next best option is to consciously or subconsciously condition him in a way that he will be unable to think beyond what I want him to think.

It's very easy to do that- by playing on his insecurities by rejecting him when he doesn't act in a certain way that I would like him to, or by feeding him with unreasonable fear of exaggerated consequences of his actions, or even showering him with approval for satisfying my whims, etc. 

By keeping his mind hostage, I can be certain that my utility will never run out as he will always be dependent on me......

Haiku: Breakfast Dose

Boy! Dont be Naughty!

I Burst out Irritated...

Guilt Riddled After

Go for the kill! (Not the road-kill)

Scavengers make it their business to follow hunters around so that they can "obtain" some meat for themselves when the opportunity presents.

How and when can they learn to become hunters?

What is the turning point?