Faith and Entitlement

Sometimes an incident takes place that starts filling ones heart with poison. Maybe logically and factually I am not able to convince myself that I have been wronged.....

However, there is a lingering discomfort that I have not been righted either.......

There is a strong resistance to speak to the person about it directly, as putting it on the table itself is something that will defeat the purpose of putting it on the table. 

It's almost like - 

if I have to ask you for it - then I had no entitlement for it in the first place and I don't want it, as I am not looking for a handout

if am entitled for it, and I have to demand for it, then what does that do to the faith and trust I had in you?

If I am not entitled for it, and i demand for it, what does that do to the faith and trust you had in me? Or that I had in myself?

I don't demand it, and keep feeling wronged about it, irregardless of whether I am entitled to it or not, whenever I see you in the future I shall feel cheated by you

If I feel cheated, that means I don't trust you, which means why should I not demand from you, because our relationship anyways won't have any value going forward as I won't trust you?

But if there is not trust or faith, what is the point in asking as there is no reason for you to be sensitive towards me, and you will stand your ground and that will make me feel enraged even more...

Entitlement is relative after all, I may feel entitled to something, and you may disagree with my feelings of entitlement. I am looking at things from a different frame and you are looking at it from a different frame..... We are both looking from frames most convenient to each of us and are unable or unwilling to look at it from the other person's perspective

Even if we can see from the other persons perspective, we may not want to concede to it, because it's inconvenient.....

The person with the upper hand continues on his or her way feeling self-righteous and the other hangs around feeling wronged - and that is what life is

Attaining Starhood

Today when I came back from work, Karan asked me if he could borrow my phone to play some game. I generally don't allow him to use my phone and as a matter of fact informed him that it was not going to happen.

He kept asking me and I kept refusing. After many rounds of back and forth he suddenly says "Can I play with your phone after you become a star?"...as I stare at him in disbelief he continues "please leave the phone in your room when you leave to become a star so that I can find it"! ....and he was smiling

My knees suddenly felt weak when I heard him so agreeably willing to accept my phone I lieu of my death...I tried to regain my composure and replied "hopefully there is going to be a lot of time before I become a star...and you can probably get a phone for yourself much before I become one!"

His innocence triggered a feeling of emptiness and aloneness in me....also been thinking of my mortality

A thought that I have been resonating with since then is "In the journey of life the destination is the journey itself"

I need to find small ways I can appreciate and cherish and make joyful my journey....my life....

Will begin by cherishing and consuming the bar of chocolate that Smriti just gave me...

All the world is a stage

Last couple of weeks I have been feeling very strongly the lack of intimacy in my life

If I look around me, at my family, friends and even myself, I see roles being played almost mechanically and transactionaly

Most of my action choices are because I am a husband, a father, a son, a friend, a brother, and so on.....that's how I see things and justify my choices and actions

That is also how I am received.... not because of any love, affection or concern for me per say, but for the role that I am playing, for the role that I am

It's all a combination of expectations and transactions and aspirations......

Respect

As a father, I also have a strong need that he must respect me.

Respect me for being a different, more involved father (I would like to believe so), respect me for being kind and understanding towards him.

But if (I feel) he doesn't respect me, I become withdrawn and vindictive & cruel. Basically the complete opposite of what I want him to respect me for.

As if, by punishing him, I will be able to force him to be respectful for how I would have liked to be.

Cutting the chord

One of the horrifying things I am experiencing as a parent is having Karan trying to form his identity independent of me!

When he says no to something I say. I look at it as a rejection of me. It's probably more an affirmation of himself than a rejection of me, but it's very easy to not understand it most times.

I can cognitively understand what he must be going through, but I get scared as to how far is it going to lead to in the future.  It seems as if I would be most comfortable if he can understand exactly what I want and simply function accordingly, without even needing to ask me.

But I know that's never going to happen so my next best option is to consciously or subconsciously condition him in a way that he will be unable to think beyond what I want him to think.

It's very easy to do that- by playing on his insecurities by rejecting him when he doesn't act in a certain way that I would like him to, or by feeding him with unreasonable fear of exaggerated consequences of his actions, or even showering him with approval for satisfying my whims, etc. 

By keeping his mind hostage, I can be certain that my utility will never run out as he will always be dependent on me......

Haiku: Breakfast Dose

Boy! Dont be Naughty!

I Burst out Irritated...

Guilt Riddled After

Go for the kill! (Not the road-kill)

Scavengers make it their business to follow hunters around so that they can "obtain" some meat for themselves when the opportunity presents.

How and when can they learn to become hunters?

What is the turning point?

Ouch that hurts! Does it really?

Someone told me yesterday that it's very difficult to see any kind of emotion in me.

I can talk on and on about stuff, but can I really feel anything?

Haiku: Joker Emerges

Bottle blonds and sods

Chit chatting. Like a Phoenix

Joker emerges

Haiku: Breath

Staring into space

Smells sounds light dust everywhere

Lungs gasping for air

Nuked Remnants

An abandoned nuclear power plant that can explode anytime. Nuclear fusion/fission continues, which spews out poison in the form of radioactive something. Sometimes more, sometimes less...

How does one deal with the mutated creatures lurking around in the darkness? How does one justify the deformed fetuses aborted?

How long before can the inhabitants take off their suits and feel the sun on their faces?  When can new life be conceived on the Island?

Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde

The last couple of days have been quite a whirlwind!

On one hand I experienced performances by brilliant artists like Rakesh Chaurasia, Rahul Sharma, Aditi Mangaldas and others.  Never before had I had a chance to experience for myself the power of classical arts.  It was humbling and exhilarating, and peaceful!

On the other hand I found myself to be more irritable than what I have been lately.  I find myself easily provoked by the smallest things.  Even if I am able to seemingly control my rage/frustration (not really), my self is not at peace during these instances (and for a while after)

It's like there are these two sides of me battling with each other.......

One being the person feeling good and happy with himself & around.

And the other a frustrated monster wanting to ravage its surroundings for no particular reason

Both are getting evoked rather quickly

Both are highly potent, but don't last long

Excerpt from Hamlet, Act 3, Scene 2

I know that’s what you think now, but people change their minds. Often our intentions are strong at first, but as time goes on they weaken, just like an apple sticks to the tree when it is unripe but falls to the ground once it ripens. The promises we make to ourselves in emotional moments lose their power once the emotion passes. Great grief and joy may rouse us to action, but when the grief or joy have passed, we’re no longer motivated to act. Joy turns to grief in the blink of an eye, and grief becomes joy just as quickly. This world is not made for either one to last long in, and it’s no surprise that even our loves change along with our luck. It’s still a mystery to be solved whether luck controls love, or love controls luck. When a great man has a run of bad luck, watch how followers desert him, and when a poor man advances to an important position, he makes friends with the people he used to hate. Love is unreliable. A person with lots of money will always have friends, while one fallen on hard times makes an enemy of any friend he turns to for money. But back to my original point—what we want and what we get are always at odds. We can have our little dreams, but the fates decide our futures.

(Translated to modern day english)

Armoured

Once upon a time long long ago
there was a warrior wearing an armour which covered from head to toe

The armour would make sure that when in battle, ones blood wont flow
But it was welded and so heavy. In order to battle, to the battlefield one has to go